Ever since I was young, I had always been interested in medicine and so keen on the idea of helping people and making them happy. My very first dream career was becoming a vet, because i loved animals and thought I could play with cats and dogs all day. But that idea slowly diminished when my parents told me that I had to cure other animals like rats and lizards and all kinds of random animals that I am not so fond of (lol). I still remembered in grade 10 when we had to research an occupation for career class and I stumbled across being a Psychiatrist. Psychiatry is the combination of psychology and medicine, and at that time, I felt like I found my true dream career because it seemed too good to be true, two birds in one stone, because I wanted to be in medicine and I LOVE listening to people talking about their problems and I loved giving advice to my very best extent. I might not know much about myself but one thing I was confident about myself was my sense of empathy on others.
It had probably been 5 years that I am stuck in the idea of going to medical school and becoming a psychiatrist. I am going into my third year of my undergrad and for the past two years that I am in university, I can honestly say I don’t know what I am doing. I admit that I have not been putting the time and effort that I should be in studying to achieve good marks and I have no one to blame on except for myself. But it makes me wonder, am I doctor material? People always tell me, “you will never know unless you tried.” But do I want to try? Why won’t I want to try? It seems like deep down subconsciously, I am always avoiding studying any science related subjects. All these years I refused to admit I suck at science but I think its about time that I do. I suck at math, I definitely suck at Physics. I’m okay in Chemistry and Biology but I was never GOOD. I don’t have any sense of application or understanding why this is that. I just memorize things. This may helped me get through high school but it just won’t help me too in University.
Also one of the reasons why I am so stuck in the idea of being a doctor is because I want to make my mom proud. Which parent wouldn’t want their kids to become a doctor or a lawyer? She was always so proud of me that I want to study life science, and NEUROSCIENCE just makes everything sound that much better. I know she told me that it is okay if I can’t, just don’t force myself and do my best. I probably know if I tell her I don’t want to go to medical school anymore, she will tell me it is okay. But I just can’t helped to imagine that deep down she will be disappointed and says to herself, “I knew my daughter was never doctor material.”
After all these rant, I still don’t know what I am going to do. Typical of me. Maybe I do know what I should do…but I am one stubborn girl.
How would you know it’s not you?
Yes, many things take the right of everything to happen, but only a coward is too afraid to even try to make it happen.
Paths come, cross, and go. But it seems like fate brings you back on the road even when you were trying so hard to part ways and meet that small, slim chance. Under that mask of carelessness and neglect, it’s a yearning heart of wishing things would be back to how it was when we are standing at the intersection of our roads.
But it seems like you have moved on to a better place, or a path shall i say, where I’m left behind, unable to catch up. Stuck at the same spot, waiting to be rescued. Or trying to find a path of my own and pretend I’m better off without you. What can I say? You knew I have a stubborn Ego. [insert bitter smile]
I don’t know where I am anymore.